Friday, 11 September 2009

Interesting Times.

8 am. Awake. Heh.

A bit over a year since its inception, my terrible all-consuming obsession with dear Severus it wearing off a little. It's partly due to the processes of time on infatuation with no real-life target, and partly due to me telling the spirits of madness to fuck right off.

I am NOT saying that loving our Snapey is insane, only that the degree with which I suffered it, well, it was a little OTT. It doesn't matter, I still love him, I'm just (thank goodness) no longer having the heartbreak over his lack of existance...

Loving Snape and overdosing on fanfiction *has* helped me get my head around different possibilities regarding the validity (ha ha ha) of a past relationship.

It's taken ten years to do, coming to terms with cold and harsh reality, and kinder realities, too.

The deepest and most terrible lows in my life and the most ecstatic emotional highs were not to be relied upon for realism. Emotions are Illusion, Love is a thing of the Soul.

I loved in a very innocent manner, and clung like a desperate limpet to my dreams - all along my intellect was well aware of the actualities, but my heart rejected them, to cleave to my longings. Foolishness...

Severus, and his fans, have helped me, by showing scenario by scenario, how things *could* be, in many many ways, and that IT DOESN'T MATTER which was true in my life; MY EXPERIENCE OF LIFE AT THE TIME SUCKED.

I have been stuck, brooding over all of this, for TEN WASTED YEARS. I'm finding me again...

I wish I'd had my depression diagnosed when I was 15, not 17, life might have been a lot more tolerable.

I became obsessed with Sev because of his pure-and-obsessive love of Lily, I can relate to that.

I am happy with my husband, and I believe I will be yet happier now that my healing has passed the 'It (shit from the past) doesn't actually matter' milestone. =)

I am about to go public with something that a week ago, I wouldn't have dreampt of telling many people at all. I've been making friends with Jesus.

I believe that if he existed, etc; he was a Witch.

He's shown me a bit about the Solar-Stellar Tree-of-Life aspect of the Divine very neatly, erm...

I'm NOT suddenly becoming a Christian of the sort to reject all other paths, I'm just feeling perhaps it's time to officially announce the addition of 'Christo-' to my Pagan status.

I spent some time in a pleasant church 7 days ago, and am reading a good advice-for-clergy SPCK book... Hmm.

Spirit Shines Through All.

... A G A O G, A G A O G ...

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