Thursday, 2 June 2011


Limerence is the name for one of the phases of falling in love, It's often thought of simply as the Hearts-n-Flowers phase common at the beginning of things, when you can't get them out of your head, they're the best thing since sliced bread, and the sun shines out of their fascinating bum. This is normal, though sickly to watch!

It's the phase of love that wears off, given time, and you do the Love thing without mad passion, without divine ecstacies, without the hellish agonies. But - some people are trapped in the 'infatuatory crush' phase for varying reasons, and under certain conditions, which are those of uncertainty of reciprocation, it can drive the sufferer completely around the bend. 

Limerence, perhaps, is the name of these unmappable paths, the reaction between hope and uncertainty, in romance/relationships. When you are living in prolonged hope and uncertainty, limerence as an emotional, hormonal, moral, spiritual and psychiatric roller-coaster begins to take over - Stress increases, question by question, worry by worry, hope by hope, and so-forth. 

One's happiness with one's self can come to seem to completely depend upon the actions and reactions of the Limerent Object, and, well, the experience turns from being an ecstatic time of sunshine and flowers and a future around the corner, where you fervently believe you have all you desire;.. to a living hell, filled with fear and paranoia, obsessive compulsion, mental and physical exhaustion, and your whole world potentially falling apart around you.

That, putting it mildly, is not nice at all, in comparison to the Limerent state normal to falling-in-love, or in comparison to the drug-trip-like highs of the Peak point in the Crystallisation phase of limerence itself.

I'm not being very clear, here... Now... it goes something like this... You may find that you have a wonderful delusory experience, where you feel the happiest you ever could be, because the one you feel for seems to feel the same way, it's all gonna be blessed roses and kittens, for a while, in your head, at least...

But then you crash - reality hits, and you realise that you weren't just making mountains from molehills in all your sweet dreaming, you were drowning as you waded into deep water, and cried out 'thankyou' to the thrower of the Clutching-Straws. You can't stay on a high like that for awfully long, and the comedown is awful! Really! Then your silly brain (my silly brain) takes you down and up and down and up and round and round until EVERYTHING within you is in chaos. It's the bad bits of being wildly in love.

Most Limerence Subjects (or Sufferers) who go through the JoyPeak go through it in some manner that involves percieved reciprocation of emotions - if you think Cliff Richard, for example, loves you, but you don't know him, that's called erotomania, and has a few aspects in common with the limerent experience, but the point there is that you believe someone to be in love with you, when they are surely not. That's being a bit of a fruitloop, IMO...

But... This is the big but; if your Limerent Object (LO) appears to share some feelings, or appears to reciprocate something, but you're not sure what... Or doesn't actually reciprocate bugger-all, but seems to, very strongly, well, you're heading towards (potentially) months, or years, of utter headfuckage.

The huge problem with this idea is that the tiniest smile, briefest eye contact, et. cetera, can feel more emotionally charged than any previous life experience, and, to be honest, one really is no longer thinking straight - so, if you ever find yourself tangled in this web, be aware that EVEN THE VERY SLIGHTEST SEEMING SIGN OF POSSIBLE RECIPROCATION PROLONGS HOPE - or painfully despairing desire, which, truly speaking, is not the same thing as Hope, at all. =/ 

Clearly telling the LO how you feel, and getting answers out of them as to reciprocation, or lack thereof, can be fraught with its own tiny wee, itty-bitty worries - That was an attempt at humour.

Most people know the fears and concerns of falling in love... To get a clue as to the Limerent Sufferer's hellish experience, magnify it... Imagine, a constant terror over your desperate need, fear of rejection, desire for reciprocation... Add in a million other little things, such as any REAL problems in the way, and imagine committing your soul to pursuing your goal, at any price... For as long as it takes to find out how LO TRULY feels, or until you realise that living this way is killing you... That's how it can go. *sigh* It's making me want a lie-down, just thinking about it. 

Wikipedia article on Limerence 
(Useful to prove to yourself you haven't gone completely insane.)

Wikipedia article on Obsessive Love 
(It definitely becomes obsessive, chasing joy.)

Wikipedia article on Stalking 
(Limerence tends to make us all into Stalkers, of a sort.)

Limerence Experienced - group for those
who have been through, or are going through Limerence.
These people can help keep you sane,
especially if you have to go 'No Contact' with your LO
due to... well, whatever puts you in that position...

'Baggage Reclaim' - very useful words for all
of us screwed-up love-too-much-ers...
Moving on is the hard part, after dust settles,
it's so easy to kick up again. =/

This shit can take years to deal with, and the LE tribe
is about the best place I can think of, where people

It has major psychosomatic effects -
it's total lovesickness, it's agony and bliss.

It makes you into a wretched wreck,
and dignity's a distant memory...

Sadly, the site is borked.

Here are the lyrics to an Alice Cooper song
that sum up my limerent experience.

"Somebody told me
love's a beautiful thing
And when I found it
all the bells would just ring
The sun would shine
and all the birds would sing
Then I met you...

I searched the planet
for that magical girl
I walked a million miles
all over the world
I found the oysters,
but never the pearls.
Then I met you...

I can't eat
I can't sleep
I feel sick
I'm so weak

Love should never feel like this
I must be doing something wrong
I've never felt this way before

Walk in the bathroom
and I take a deep breath
Look in the mirror
and it scares me to death
Look like a junkie
that's been strung out on meth
Since I met you

I can't eat
I can't sleep
I feel sick
I'm so weak

Love should never feel like this
I must be doing something wrong
I`ve never felt this way before
Love should never feel like this
I must be doing something wrong
I never felt this way before

Oh, ignorance was always bliss
Love should never feel like this

Love should never,
ever feel like this
I've never felt this way before
I must be doing something wrong

No, Love should never, ever feel like this
I must be doing something wrong
I've never, ever felt this way before

What's wrong with me!?"

'Love Should Never Feel Like This' -
From the album 'The Eyes of Alice Cooper'.

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